maturity.

tiring even though i slept for a while in the afternoon.
went to kepong for dinner just now, with the mum, the aunts and the sis.
had this yummy asam fish head.
i am going soon. to teman kath to have her dinner.
what a good friend u see.

didn't sleep much yesterday night.
i fell asleep at 11pm.
then awake at 2 something.
had a lil chat on the phone, wanna go back to sleep but couldn't.
then started to think a lot.
is not that i am being bother by stuff that's why i couldn't sleep.
is just that i just can't sleep.


remember me asking whether i should continue or just let go?
i guess i got the answer already.
i think god gave me the answer yesterday night.
not an obvious one but still i know it.
is the matters of whether me gonna do it or not.
is alright, still have time, just don't get upset about it.

guess what, she told me the truth FINALLY.
it bring no surprise to me either.
i already knew it, well maybe she thinks i am dumb.
when she told me, i wasn't feeling stone.
i felt NOTHING.
to my surprise, i wasn't having any feelings.
haha.
so what??
it means i don't love her that much anymore or i am just to numb to feel anything anymore?
well i am not sure about it.

this gave me an idea of who she really is.
i mean what kind of person she is.
only one word to describe it = disappointment

alright, talk about it.
i couldn't sleep so i started to think.

guess what come through my mind.

first, she.
then, "L".
then, "JE".
then, "K".
then, 'Y".

well, no idea why that "L" just filled up my mind so much.
i always don't wanna think about her.
when i think about her, she just coming back so quickly to my mind.
she is like my failure.
because i know i couldn't get her.
sighness.
i can't explain my feelings to her.

as for "JE".
a girl that i gave up.
the reason would be funny.
she is a nice girl but i am just not worthy for her.
i admit i am a jerk.
i give up on her because i couldn't stand the way she dress.
and she is chinese speaking, not so wealthy, not so smart.
get what kind of person i am now?
i always expect too much, too realistic and a jerk.
well, i always felt guilty when i think about her.

"K" and "Y".
unpredictable feelings i have for them.
i don't know whether i really like them or what.
but i know "K" is attached already.
still not so sure about them.
i haven't even try anything on them yet so just take it slow.

i get what kind of person i am now.
not a good guy of cause.
i am being too realistic man.

imagine one day i am darn poor.
i will cannot survive.
because i know i look down on those low standard people.
in my mind, i always think.
"I am rich, so what?"
" i am unlike those people, i come from private school. i mix with rich friends."
" all my friends use branded stuff."
"sorry man, i am different kind of people."
"he is not better than me cause i can give her everything she wants. i got the money."
"i am rich so i am better than him."

please tell me what kind of thinking i have man.
grr, this have to be change.
i can't go on like this man.
this is what they called "lan ci".
i admit i am.
sighness.

guess i really have to learn to be mature.
get over everything.
i would die without money.
i am independent enough.
alright stop here now.
got to go already.
ciaoz people.
will update more if i have something to say.

Jay @ thinking